if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
