On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
