I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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