I'm pants shitting drunk right now
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
