He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
