In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
