....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
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i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
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