My room smells like vodka and shame
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
