I want you more than these girls want KFC
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
