20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
