shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
