last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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