i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Randomize
