never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
