i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
