he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
