i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
