I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
