my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
