This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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