Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
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