the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
