What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Randomize
