Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
