i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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