I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
