She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
