Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
