You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
