Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
