Will you blow on my dice?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
