Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
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