I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Randomize
