I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Text me some of your sweat
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
