and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
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