Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
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