My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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