Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
