Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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