And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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