I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
