god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
