where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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