The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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