Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
