Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
