Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
