No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
