my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Don't tell me you're on acid again
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