Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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