did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
