he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
