I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
