i don't plan on having that self control this summer
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
