Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
