my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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