seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
