I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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