Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Randomize
