We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
